As a pediatrician and dad, I’ve spent years observing children in clinical settings and reflecting on my own parenting journey. A question that often crosses my mind, and likely yours too, is: How much do parenting styles truly matter in shaping who our children become as adults?
It’s a topic that countless experts, including data scientist Emily Oster and anthropologists Robert and Sarah LeVine, have explored. And after years of both professional and personal experience, I’ve come to realize that parenting is far more of an art than an exact science.
Don’t have time to read now? Listen to this podcast instead.
The Quest for Control
In today’s world, parents are bombarded with data, advice, and well-meaning experts all trying to tell us the “best” parenting styles to raise our kids. We are constantly in search of the right answers, the perfect parenting strategy that will ensure our children grow up to be successful, happy, and well-adjusted adults. I understand this instinct deeply. Like many parents, I also shared the mindset that I didn’t want to “mess it up.” After all, raising children feels like the most important task we’ve ever undertaken, and we want to get it right.
Emily Oster, known for her data-driven books on parenting, offers valuable insights into this drive for perfection. As a data scientist, she’s skilled at analyzing how numbers can influence parenting decisions. But, as she points out, data alone doesn’t give us all the answers. And from my perspective as a pediatrician of over 25 years, the truth is that people—especially children—are too complex for data alone to dictate our choices.
Every child is unique. No set of numbers or specific parenting styles can predict or prescribe exactly how our decisions will shape them. And that’s where the art of parenting comes in.
Parenting Is an Art, Not a Formula

In their book, Do Parents Matter?, Harvard anthropologists Robert and Sarah LeVine spent 50 years studying how parents from various cultures raise their children. Their conclusion might surprise many: parenting styles may not matter as much as we think in terms of how our children turn out as adults.
This isn’t to say that parents aren’t important. Far from it. As parents, we are responsible for providing the right environment and support for our children. But what we often forget is that no one formula or single parenting style can ensure success. Our role is less about micromanaging every detail of our child’s development and more about guiding them through their growth journey.
Parenting is about balance. On one hand, we need to set priorities and model values—essentially planting the seeds for what we hope our children will internalize. On the other hand, we need to provide structure and security, giving them the scaffolding they need to grow and explore in their own way.
The Foundations of Parenting Styles: Planting and Building

A beautiful metaphor from Jewish literature helps explain this dual responsibility. In the book Planting and Building, parenting is described as two parallel processes. “Planting” refers to selecting the right priorities and environment, and “building” refers to providing consistent structure and security. These processes work together to create an ideal space for children to thrive, regardless of parenting styles.
The “planting” aspect of parenting is about modeling values and setting a positive example. This doesn’t mean dictating every step of your child’s life, but rather providing a framework of the values and principles you hope they’ll adopt. This is true for all parenting styles, as the ultimate goal is to support your child’s growth.
“Building” is about the environment you create for your child—a secure and supportive space where they feel safe to grow, explore, and express themselves. This scaffolding allows children to develop their unique identity while knowing they have the support of their parents to lean on, no matter which parenting style is adopted.
As a father, I’ve seen these processes at work in my own home. Each of my children, despite growing up in the same household with the same parents, has developed into a distinctly different person. I saw these differences emerge even in infancy, and now, as young adults and teenagers, they continue to blossom into individuals with their own strengths and personalities. It’s a humbling reminder that, while parenting styles matter to some degree, we cannot control every aspect of who our children will become.
Trusting Your Instincts

What I’ve learned through both my professional and personal experiences is that parents often put too much pressure on themselves to find the “right” parenting style. The truth is, there is no single right way. Parenting is a deeply personal journey that requires trust in your own instincts.
This doesn’t mean dismissing expert advice altogether. There are times when we need guidance, especially when facing medical or developmental concerns. But at the same time, parenting isn’t something you can master by simply following a set of rules or adhering strictly to specific parenting styles. It’s an evolving process, filled with trial and error, where flexibility and intuition are just as important as research and data.
Emily Oster’s work reminds us that data has limits. And while it can be useful, it’s important to remember that the decisions we make as parents come from more than just numbers. They come from love, experience, and instinct. Parenting styles may help guide us, but they are not definitive.
Relax and Observe

So, what’s the takeaway for parents who are constantly anxious about making the right decisions? In my view, it’s to relax a little. Observe your child. Give them the space to grow, make mistakes, and discover who they are.
As parents, we play an essential role in setting up the conditions for our children to thrive. But ultimately, their journey is their own. Parenting styles may influence how we approach certain decisions, but our children’s growth and development are largely their own. Your job is to provide the best environment, model the values that matter most to you, and then allow them to blossom in their own unique way.
Conclusion
In the end, parenting styles matter, but perhaps not in the way we often think. We are not here to control every outcome, but to provide a nurturing space where our children can grow into their own. Parenting is an art—a blend of instinct, love, and a little bit of faith.
So take a deep breath, trust yourself, and remember that your kids will be fine.
Want to hear more parenting insights? Don’t forget to tune into my podcast, Your Kids Will Be Fine, available on Spotify, Apple, and anywhere you listen to podcasts. Episodes are downloadable and full of valuable tips to guide you on your parenting journey.